31 (2.0)

A solitary bulb, a solitary spark
On in company, but mostly staying dark
A solitary sound, the cacophonous pound
Of blood pressure rising, all that's unbound.
Heart rate is lifting, it's all that can
Even eyes are stuck downward, I cannot stand
Shackles and chains, knife wounds and pain
I wonder which color is shirt, and which stain.
Though there's blood, I smell only sweat
I finally nod off, wake gasping and wet
Courage and guilt, form my threadbare quilt
Will cowardice win the day in this tilt?
I speak when I must, even I cannot trust
What I say 'round these mouthfuls of rust
They say I'll be free, that they'll let me be
If I'll just give in to these demons in me.
They don't know their art, they misread their mark
They don't know that I like it here in the dark
They think that they've shown they can render me prone
But the truth is I like it in here on my own.

31

Staring at a wall, the numbers closing in
One two three, five, and one again
The glowing red a haunting dread
I know I'll wake up bright and dead.
Staring at a wall, the numbness creeping in
You close your eyes and count to ten
Open them and the nightmares begin
Sweat stains on sheets, one two, five, ten.
Staring at the ceiling, numbers coming close
Night passes quickly, day's passing slows
Sleep is a wretch, miserable and wet
Huddled in corners, trying to forget.
Staring at a wall, don't see  a thing
Moldy coat dripping a bottle of beam
Madness is just a skipped heartbeat away
Daydreams turn nightmares on such a day.
Staring at a wall, feel the numbers closing in . . .

30

A ghost, a gasping ghast
A phantasm of fantastic
Appeals, appears to appraise
Swivels, swiftly swims away.
Whiskered whispers wash
Onto strange shimmering shores
Melancholy music massed
Piped and played it's prayer parade
Chandelier charades
Swooping shadows shift
Trip tumble toward timeless rifts
Rife with reverberating reverence
Pale, impaled into insignificance
Washed white by whitewashed wounds
Curled comfortably, coiled in cocoons
What's inside must be set free
Come out, come out, come out and see.

29 (2.0)

It's burning up, boiling out of me
The steam is rising up and I can't see
Fire runs under my skin and I can't hold it in.
The pressure builds it's close within
Its searing through my skeleton
I'm charred through, I'm well done
Still the surge has just begun
It's rocket fuel and I take flight
It's a wildfire that wakes the night
Words brand me with an eldritch flame
Can't bite my tongue, can't stay the same
Boiling, roiling words stream out
Rivers of thought, without doubt
Without the pause of conscious thought
Without the feeling it's all for naught
It's seeping from my very pores
My hands are burned, my flesh is scored
If smoke's escaping, there's your proof
That what comes out must be the truth
I held and held and held it in
Till it burned free through my very skin.

29

A wilted stem, I can bear no weight
With every gust I slowly break
There is no hope that I can see
The path ahead is for the dead.
There is no road, the way is shot
Overgrown and under-tread
At once reclaimed and long forgot
The path ahead is for the dead.
Detritus of the cracking leaves
Is a never-stemmed riptide
That pulls us ever farther down
This path ahead that's for the dead.
At every turn I'm glancing back
Have I walked this path before?
I hear the Styx hit blackened shores
Just on the dying path ahead.
How can I be so truly lost
On what was once familiar ground?
This used to be the long road home
And now I don't know what's ahead.

28 (2.0)

I want to:
Memorize what I already know
Tap patterns on the hands I hold
Watch your features growing old
And more perfect all the same.
Say things I've already said
Lay in silence on the bed
Watching dreams safeguard your head
Play these wordless little games.
Repeat sentiments you can't forget
Hold you till our years are spent
Feel the caress of fingers bent
When your hand is holding mine.
Say the phrase I've said before
And then again, and still once more
Discover new things I adore
As our stares entwine.
Uncover things I thought I knew
And find that they are always new
Find a better me in you
And love you till I die.

28

I set out to feed a family

Became a slaughterhouse instead

Set out to help the living

Now I cater to the dead

Butcher blades and chopping blocks

And my hands are always red.

All these inconsistencies

This making into pharisees 

Of everyone who disagrees

This makes no sense to me.

We're all made of energy

A strangely surging synergy

We're all contained infinities

That I have severed here

So sincerely insincere.

What makes a man? What have I done?

Why can't I be another one?

All these thoughts trip through

And none of them are true

And yet all of them are

My hands the whitened scars

Of too long with these blades

Of years lived in the shade

So many years afraid

Why can't you understand

That I don't know who I am?

27 (2.0)

I'm so tired
I can't sleep
I can't read
I can't think.
No breathing
Too deep
Or I might drift away
Shallow breaths
Blank thoughts
Are the fish
That I've caught
The rest have slipped away.
My stomach quakes
I can't eat
My eyes pace
I've no feet
A white wall
Is my mind
The rest is locked away.
I can't see
I can't hear
I can't grasp
What's happened near
Or even to me
I must have gone away.

27

A cracking jaw
A gaping maw
An endless appetite
Some sparkling teeth
In grimy sheaths
Expressing their delight
I'm unrestrained
I'm uncontained
Unstiffled, impolite
I'm a blip amid
Two ways to live
Laid down or still upright
A cracking jaw
A gaping maw
A yawn 'tween day and night.

26

Solid, liquid, gas

Ember, flame, ash

Useful, used, trash.

People, places, thing

Graveyard, gravestone, sing

Going, going, gone.

Music, lyric, song

Morals, right, and wrong

Future, present, past

Beginning, middle, last

Were, are, will be

Blind, blind, can't see

Left, right, or straight

Choose, love or hate

Mother, father, child

Wild, tamed, still wild

Pattern, rhythm, rhyme

Circles across time.

25

I'm so tired of it all
So tired of the straw
Of these visions of corn
Pecked, tattered and torn
So tired of the crows
Of the neat little rows
Oh why can't it grow
Indoors, on a train
I'm over the rain
I'm done with the pain
Of staying in place
With scars on my face
From crows pecking at eyes
I'm even sick of the sky
It's so free, so why blue
Cause know something true?
I'd much rather to be you.
To be free, over sea
Anything other than me
To see crowds, be a cloud
Wear anything but this same shroud
Of mildew and crap
Oh, I'm so sick of that
And so achingly tired of me
Outside and pinned in a "t"
Seems whatever I choose
Always ends when I lose
How come I never win
Guess mannequins
Get no escape from the pain
Now go stand in the rain
Or be nailed to a beam
'Case you split a seam
Scratching your itching insides
Ain't no room for pride
In a body of straw
Ain't no room for anything, really, at all.

24

What makes a soul a soul?

What drives a soul to twist?

Love of dark or fear of light

That makes a wish, a wish?

What turns a thought to act?

What makes an eye to blink?

Squinting eyes growing dry

Are we afraid to think?

What if we delve too deep?

What if we swim too far?

Shooting for the moon oft

Ends gasping 'mong the stars.

Is it the thought that bends

To let a man stay sane?

Or does bent thought make bent man,

And dare we ride that train?

Why does a soul grow cold?

So sinister does it twist.

Do we wish what we've turned?

Or do we turn what we wish?

23

I stand here at the crossing bridge
'Twixt who I'll be and what I did
Eternity a chasm underneath us.
Facing forward means looking back
And I dare not, my soul was black
'Twas love that I exchanged for lust.
Is there yet grace enough to atone
For lives derailed and Kings dethroned
By carefully cultivated vice?
Moving onward means letting go
And I'm now old enough to know
That I've denied Truth more than thrice.
Here in the moment mirrors fail
I expect my face and I see hail
Destroying everything in sight.
I can't undo the damage done
I cannot face the rising Son
When I've been living in the night.
I stand here on the crossing bridge
'Tween who I'll be and what I did
Eternity envelops and surrounds us
Knowing I'm not able on my own
To choose to stand before a throne
To find my fading heart unjust.
Yet you tell me I must move
If I move, can I choose You
Without ever having seen myself?
Is there a place for my mistrust
For my pride, my sins and all my lust
With the broken things You fix Yourself?
And still someway the rest of me
These tiny parts, the best of me
Can end up in Your arms?

22

Strangely shaped, round with corners
Sometimes I feel that love's a thing
A mystery with no clues for solving
Because the answer's in the questioning.
A solid cloud of upward rain
Sometimes I feel that love's a game
A shadow with no birthing form
A well known face without a name.
An echo with no voice that spoke
Sometimes I feel that love's a vice
A strength that makes us weaker still
A gamble played 'gainst loaded dice.
A valley with no mountain peaks
Sometimes I feel it's love I seek
Ironic, whole yet incomplete
You spend a day to pass a week.
Sometimes I feel that love's a ghost
A parasite that kills the host.

21 (2.0)

Spiderglass
Intricate cracks
Appear on frail facade
Sometimes I find it very odd
That anyone should weep.
Spiderglass
The spreading rash
No longer bulletproof
Escape hatch on the roof
We could not hold the keep.
Spiderglass
Infinitely small and vast
Shattering what had been whole
Slowly comes the creeping cold
Speak not of eternal sleep.
Spiderglass
Frail beings cracked
And what was inside's seeping out
The silence is sneaking about
And from God there's nary a peep.
Spiderglass
Circadian rhythms turn black
From where death oozes in
Through these cracks in our skin
I understand now why we weep.

21

I see you
Is this just a chance
Just moving
And I'm so entranced
You're there
And I can't move.
I see you
Would be by your side
You're perfect
So I always hide
You're there
And I can't move.
I feel you
A mere brush of hand
You're near me
Suddenly I can't stand
You're there
And I can't move.
I watch you
Trace the timeless dance
You're perfect
And I'm in a trance
You're closer
Than I've ever chanced
You're here now
And I can't move.
I hear you
One soft whispered word
I'm frozen
Not sure what I heard
You're near me
But I can't move.
You're near me
And I want you.

20

A square within squares made of  squares
Measured off by foot and by inch
What's life but a pattern, repeats
First dirt, then the wash and the rinse.
Each tile laid, a tedious chore
Each one a piece of something more
Come together, still but a floor
Never ceiling, never a door.
Carefully measured monotone
A maze that harbors no escape
Patterns and mess, clutter and stress
And all to make captives seem safe.
But what if somebody broke free?

19

Deep water, my friend, cover me
For I have already been drowned
Swam with demons in infinite sea
Never again to be found.
I lost my way in the desert
I found winding paths in the dark
That led me to you, led me to hurt
Like a tree stripped of it's bark.
Laid bare by furious oceans
Poured over by thunderous rage
Drowned in a sea, I did not come clean
I did not start a blank page.
I just kept on swimming with Hate
And my shoulder angel went black
My shoulder demons started to date
Then plunged a knife in my back.
I should have foreseen it, did not
For I was too baptized in sin
That all things of grace I forgot
Took devils out for a spin.
Deep water, my friend, cover me
For I have already been drowned
Betrayed myself, what I couldn't see
Is a way that I could be found.

18

Mausoleum, let me inside
Turn to blind these haunted eyes
Let darkness come and take its toll
For I'm afraid of growing old.
Mausoleum, take me in
My sight is tired, my senses thin
Too many wrongs have I done
For I was afraid of dying young.
Mausoleum, kill the lights
Because death is not a thing for sight
Let terror come in horror's horde
For I'm afraid of dying bored.
Mausoleum, dark your plot
Too much time for things forgot
Too many whispers in the night
I won't come in without a fight.

17

I'm in a state of ennui
The secret, to aimlessly be
To stare and to stare, and ne'er to see
Ennui, ennui, killing me.
Does no compassion beat in your breast?
Does ne'er your villainy sleep?
If repose finds you not, nor rest,
To whom is entrusted soul's  keep?
Ennui, ennui, you're all that I see
Angst and emotion void sympathy
I stare at a bird, ne'er do I see
Ennui lurking close, stare at me
Abyss gazing habits, ennui
For abyss gazes back into me
If I gaze too long, a monster I'll be
A soul without thought, the monster Ennui.
Ennui, ennui, killing me
If I could care, what would I be?
A wish and a dare, a solemn prayer
Anything but this ennui.