My best yet

Apparitions

Stood, anxiously waiting
To make my promise for your hand
My voice in the lofting silence
Seems diminished, yet expands
To call out in the gladness
Remembering in the darkest strands,
Invoking who we were before
But never here, and nevermore.

I promised love and little else
Save whatever was myself.
I linger 'neath the rafters asking
To hear your voice forevermore

Yet running in the gown she wore
With flowers in her braided hair
Those I did not pick find a purchase there
And I stand alone, alone undaunted
With wiliting flowers of my own
And the altar weeps a lover's song
For the flowers in her hair
Colors that I did not pick find their purchase there.

With hymns I had not ever sung
A tear escapes, so harshly wrung
From my now forsaken gaze.
For years, if it was even days
I could not help but stay
I dare not look away,
Lest my love forget what was before.
With wilted dreams and golden rings
Waiting with my hands held thus
Ashes to ash, but stay I must
Though I be waiting here forevermore
It will not seem a day spent poor.

Transfer

So, I confess: I'm an idiot.

I am stupid, I am ignorant, I am cowardly.

Or, to say it again, I'm an idiot.

I've spent a lifetime following people. I've spent a lifetime trusting that other people really did have my best interest at heart - and so I've followed their plans. I still believe in their intentions, but I no longer believe in their path.

I've been confused and stupid about many ideas and beliefs. I thought stewardship only applied to time and money. I probably owe Brandon an apology on that point. I always thought the less money spent, the better. Turns out that is not the case. I never thought that I had to be a good steward of my soul. But apparently, one does.

What's the point of learning doctrines and ideas and never being prepared for doing what you were made to do? What's the point of getting an education on the cheap when it doesn't work for you, makes you angry, and causes you to run from truth.

I'm not going to bash Southern here - but Southern is not a place for people who desire a life of social justice missions. Southern trains preachers and professors - and I don't much care to be either one.

It's not working out financially either. I may well have to take time off to work before going back to school - and I'm certainly not going to work to go someplace I don't enjoy being, that does nothing for my soul, for my mind, or to further prepare me for what I feel I have to do with my life.

I did all my work for the entire semester in a 2 day span - the final two days before I came home. I still made A's and B's for the semester - it's that simple so far. I need a greater challenge than that.

But more than anything, I've followed friends - and as much as I love them, I can't follow people forever. The only way to take control of my life is to lose control of it, and go someplace where I can be trained to be whomever I am meant to be.

I may come back for the fall semester, but not beyond that.

It's time to stop following and become.

I'm transferring.