ONE
Behind rusty locks and tarnished gates
Chimera sleeps, Chimera waits
For time to break the spell
To release him from his cell
For man cannot tame hell
Alone, within his soul.
Monster, wearing chains of old
Rages, paces, in the cold
Recesses of my heart
Waiting, waiting, for his part
To breathe his fire, work his art
Of pain, of hatred and despair
His hate curdles the very air
And his cage is only me
So hear now, my desperate plea
Kill the beast, don't let him free
Kill Chimera inside of me.
TWO
No words could write a poem
To convey my depths of grief
For my sorrows are an ocean
And my virtue but a reef
Worn away by tide and time
Stolen, as though by thief
By years of constant failings
Now guilt my only fief
Doubt, my anthem's chorus
Regrets, my crowning jewel
Some claim God is for us,
But I am no such fool.
God is on God's own side
And blame God, I cannot
For 'twas not God that left the path
To wander through the rot.
No, it was not God who pondered
Things best left forgot
No, 'twas I, and I alone
And God's fault, it was not.
THREE
I saw your face today
Amid the green and gray
Of fading times and seasons.
Even now, mutiny, treason
Committed by my heart
For though you tore me all apart
I miss you anyway
I still wish you could have stayed
But I've always been a fool
And love's warmth turning cool
Is just the way it goes
Heartbreak, I suppose
Is the thing that I know best
I'm just a masochist, I guess
Chasing down duress
Then hating it's caress.
But you knew that didn't you?
There, in your eyes, it's true
You took me for a fool
And damnit, you were right.
FOUR
I thought by now I'd have faith down
Instead, mostly I drown
With selfish desires
Build funeral pyres
For times when I cared.
I often despair
Of finding any virtue within,
For there's mostly sin
And reciprocal prayers
A sort of putting on airs
In a cyclical dance
A cynic's romance.
I ask God forgive what I've become
For what I've done
Is now too long to list
And I'm long past pretending I'll quit
Ennui of the soul is a cancer
A question without answer
Will I change, will I run
Back to what I've already done?
Does God hear, am I deaf?
Am I wasting my breath
Trying to come clean from this mark of death?
Cause I'm tired of the strain
Of this mark of Cain
For I confess, down on my face
I've sought so much of sin and so little of grace.
FIVE
For everyone I've hurt
God blood stained the dirt
Like red stars on sand skies
Galaxies for each of my lies
And universes for all of my sins
Wound upon wound on God skin
Each one should have been mine.
Thorns render irony's crown for divine
A King left a Kingdom behind
To bleed in the dirt
From death, bring rebirth
To restore sight to a soul so long blind
A soul, exactly like mine
Each wound should have been mine
Thoroughly earned, to my shame
Thoroughly burned, by my name
God wore a face in my place
And took onto Godflesh my pain.
Sometimes I think God insane
For surrendering when I'm to blame
For being impossibly good, and doing the should
Always, never shirking the pain.
God met death in my name
How can I know this, and still be the same?
SIX
You said what you said
And part of me died
Maybe you meant it
And maybe you lied
But those words were spoken
Now inside I'm broken
And my restless demons won't be denied.
How do you wrestle a legion?
With arms pinned behind back, no less
With feet in concrete
I've wrestled with less
But never to victory, this I confess
This daydream believer
Turned vitriolic receiver
Wrestling damned legions of fate
How well I know hate
Yet I feel it still
And I no longer know
Which part of me's real
The man, or the demons
And which one's been killed.
SEVEN
God, can you teach me to pray
Give me something to say
That would bring your voice to my soul
But that line's ringing cold
As if I prayed it before
So could you create a new door
To the forge of my heart
And give its fire a new start
Make me worry less about
Voicing my doubt
And more about hearing you speak
Less about being so weak
And more about freedom in grace
And more about running the race
To see you at it's end.
Let me go when you send
Without asking why
Not just stare at the sky
With my questions
And ignore my suggestions
That I'm not your tool
I know I'm a fool.
Help me trust what I can't
See without slant
Be what I ain't
Erase the taint
I bring, I'm absurd
Don't let me be heard
Until I can speak truth
Without saying a word.
EIGHT
I (have been, am, remain) a fool.
A slave to the pointless, a tool
For dulling sharper things
A spear made for clipping wings
Of those who would transcend
The state, the skin, the sin we're in.
I (have been, am, remain) a wreck
A joker pulled from playing deck
For wrenching every game
With my well-worn crown of shame
Embrace it, my refrain
As I, a fool, remain.
I (have been, am, remain) a fool
Pursuing death, defying rule
Of all more-suited Kings than I
Their will, I will deny
Imbibe, pursue defame
Ignominy my name
And I, a fool, remain.
NINE
Lost within my own skull
Every thought, hypothesis: null
No significant change
The demon still remains
The good still dwells in chains
The beast still holds the reins.
Every thought a muddled maze
Of hazy days, an endless phase
Of trying to overcome my sins
Without knowing where the beast begins.
